Personal Duties

Recently I have been served a heaping pile of responsibility in a number of ways. When chosephine and I had Soren I chose to become a dutiful father and be around him as much as I possibly could. The responsibilities of fatherhood are heavy with a newborn in the household but as he is growing older that heavy load seemed to multiply significantly in areas I never expected. The simple act of being there at the right time to be rambunctious and rowdy or just simply snuggle while you explain the events of a movie to your toddler has a great effect on a developing psyche. These are the moments that are important in my fatherly duties, not being there to tell him NO or to discipline him when I think he knows better. Those lessons come with time and are difficult for a two year old to understand. The act of caring for one another and being there are definitively imperative at a young age if I ever expect an open and understanding relationship with my child as he grows older.

We have also had to redefine our terms of marriage as one intelligent spouse to another should do when a significant change comes to a relationship. I feel like I have more to give to my wife in the manner of support and time than I ever really have. I don't always have the energy to give those things but I try. Usually a back massage is all she asks for. My excuse used to be that my wrists were sore from work and I would put it off until the next time it came up but I can’t use that excuse any more. (Whaa-whaaaa).

I am also going through 3 years of school to, if all goes as planned, become a Medical Lab Technician. This calls for an enormous amount of focus on my part to even get on the train and go to my classes. I have been against institutional learning for some time now. Maybe because of my experiences in high school or maybe because I don't learn very well in such an environment. Whatever the case may be I have made it through 1 term of college education and am maintaining a 4.0 GPA as best I can. I was working weekends last term but through trial and error we found that it was not possible to arrange that this term. It has been hard to juggle my mindset mode for each situation but since I am a Gemini it is probably easier for me than most. (HA!) I do NEED breaks for some ME-time weekly though. If that means one hour away from my duties, one game of pool with a buddy and two cheap beers, I'll take it. It is very hard to make time for these outings though. Last night while I was out studying a friend wanted me to come to a bar that would have taken a train ride to get there and I only had an hour to be out so I would have had to get right back on the train and come home as soon as I got off. I tried to explain this but it was hard to understand on his end. I have a self-allotted amount of time to take care of certain things and if the hour gets late I can't just go and neglect my numerous chosen duties. If I get off my sleeping schedule I will miss classes, do poorly in them, and/or not be able to function as I would like to with my wife and child. My "encumbrances" of having a wife, a child and an ambition to better myself with an education could be looked at negatively from an outside point of view but I know that in choosing to respect myself enough to make these decisions I am giving myself a chance at success in these areas. However much I enjoy the company of my friends, I have to be selfish right now and focus on the things that make me better. I hope everyone can understand and meet me on my terms until everything calms down in my life. If that means a quick cup of coffee and or an accompaniment on an errand I have to make, so be it. Enjoy the time that is possible to hang out with me until there is more time for me to give.